[[ life, less ]]

Thursday, August 18, 2011

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Months passed again. And I'm back to the married man. The former mentioned? Well, turned out to be a jerk and not just him, met a few jerks along the way too but the married man is the only one who stayed throughout. All of us saw the effort he put in for wanting me back. But things weren't going as smoothly as we thought it will. Too many negative forces trying to break us up. I wonder when this whole thing will end.

[[ cheers ]] |5:00 PM|

Monday, June 06, 2011

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真的没办法找回遗失的感觉吗

[[ cheers ]] |7:00 PM|

Thursday, March 10, 2011

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oh my god. i can't continue reading our chat log. all the memories will come flooding in and it'll be harder to let go. hard to leave, harder to stay which all along, i knew what i had to do though my heart and mind is still having a debate over this.

for several weeks, i knew he liked me but he doesnt have the courage to approach me. its thru words of friends and thru friend's help that he managed to get my number. then we started chatting almost everyday and found that we do have the chemistry. i enjoyed talking to him but i admit i'm trying to avoid him at times. he's always wanting to meet me but i rejected all of his suggestions. my reason? cos im attached to an engaged man.

24 dec 2010, we're partying at club july for the christmas countdown followed by lighting up kongming lanterns and i invited him along. i gave him one lantern and i wonder what wish he made then.
25 dec 2010, he invited me to his housewarming party but i had a chalet to attend. i wished i could go but my friends didnt allow me to leave upon knowing that im leaving becos of him.
26 dec 2010, the second day of his housewarming. he wished i could go, so i decided to go too and his friend came to pick me up. i was shocked at the sight of his house, i'd never expected it to be so grand. i left soon as im meeting my friends for coffee.
there's this day when i was at his place watching movie and in his mini apartment, he held my hand. that was such an awkward atmosphere! and he told me he really liked me. i knew it but he knew im attached too. i could remember clearly what he told me, "seriously, what are you thinking of? your boyfriend's engaged and he's got no time for you. in what way is he counted as your boyfriend? now, there's a man who wants to treat you right and gives you a good life but yet you refused." this sentence was ringing in my mind every now and then since.
28 dec 2010, we were all at club july and after we left, he suggested that i sleep over at his place and he'll send me to the coach the next morning. he knew im catching the morning coach to ipoh to meet my boyfriend. he picked me up from my house and we're almost silent throughout the journey to his place. then back at his place, he told me he'd long regarded me as his girlfriend and im his priority whereas he's just an option to me. he hated it and does not have the habit of sharing girlfriend. neither can he accept me having someone else. that was when i felt pressurized, cos he's not giving me any time to think things over.
29 dec 2010, on the way to the coach. we're silent. i broke the silence and told him something's holding me back from the trip to ipoh. he told me, "then dont go. stay." in the end, i still chose to go cos the ticket was already purchased. why didnt it come across my mind that the ticket was just a mere 40 bucks? he told me the feeling suck, cos its like sending his girlfriend off to another man's arms. i left with a real heavy heart even when im up the coach and cleared the checkpoint. i felt like coming back.

the reason why i chose to go is becos i'd wanted to clear things up with my boyfriend. i wouldnt want to carry on anymore cos im so sick and tired of being caught in between he and his fiance. like i used to say, if i knew he's engaged in the very first place, i wouldnt even had started with him. i'd wanted to see for myself if we could work things out for the last time but he proved to me that im nothing to him. im ending everything with him once and for all.

those days in ipoh were hard, he's in my mind at all times which i dont even know why. i just felt like coming back in advance. i wanted to talk to him, whatsapp him or something but he seemed quite cold. till i saw his facebook status. "perhaps its a blessing to be single. seriously tired and shag out." he's giving up. things changed drastically after my return. we talked lesser and lesser and while i missed him more and more, his feelings were fading bit by bit. its almost like we dont know each other anymore. he was so freaked out to be in any relationship and yet i had to give him that killer shot once again. his reaction? to refuse all feelings. initially, my heart told me not to go but i went ahead, then it told me to come back but i didnt. twice i ignored signs my heart warned me of and it turned out to be true, i lost him.

"world is cruel, love is blind. time had passed, flame had died. heart is broken and she is not mine."

[[ cheers ]] |7:50 PM|

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

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I mind her too much, so much that I feel very affected each time your phone rings. I'm getting so paranoid that I think I might go crazy sooner or later. I fear losing you too much. Deep down I know your workload is wearing you down and I shouldn't add on to your troubles anymore but teach me how to let go! My heart and mind has been struggling for almost two weeks and I'm feeling very tired. I couldn't find my answer still and instead, my suspicion is getting stronger as days goes by. Oh my. Somebody teach me! I lost my confidence totally. Despite you trying so hard to assure me repeatedly yet I'm still being so paranoid. I know one day you'll get tired of me if I continue behaving this way. I'll try to find my self back hopefully.

[[ cheers ]] |3:15 AM|

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

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today, i feel so down and restless and i dont know why. not in the mood to do anything, refuse to do anything. after school, i've got nowhere to go, nothing in my mind and home doesnt seem to be my choice either. its just 1pm! in the end, i went home still and i think i slept more than enough yesterday but im still tired. supposed to watch some shows but i fell asleep till evening.

now, time flies too quickly to me. in a blink of an eye its night time again. whats wrong with me? i want to do nothing and im wasting my time totally. its what i wanted eh but i dont feel happy deep inside. not even a bit of shiokness. like everything around me has gone dead, i dont feel anything. plus the same old bad dream is taking place inside my mind now, and im afraid i'll go into it again when i sleep later. its eating up my brain, its suffocating.

i missed him. badly. since sunday. maybe a lil too much that i felt breathless and maybe this is what makes me restless. too bad we stay too far apart, i cant seem to get enough of him. days ago i had a dream, that he proposed to me. and how i wish this dream would continue. i want a life with him, and never ever had such a thought to be with a particular someone so strong before. 他就像是我生命里的终点, 我的最终站, 我的投靠港. how is life going to be without him? he makes me forget what is sad and hurt. he healed all my past wounds and its been a while since i last felt how these two words are. i hope i'll never need to feel them again.

time is too short, feels like i will die tomorrow. and what if i really die tomorrow? i want to tell him i really love him alot. and till now, i'd never said i love you neither did i hear him say that too. "baby, do you know that my love for you has surpassed far more than what i feel for leon last time? and i dont want to live without you."

[[ cheers ]] |9:45 PM|

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

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三生有幸

曾害怕跌到谷底里会永不翻身
曾被当作笑话取笑你却很关心
当天很天真只想找开心
这种小丑怎能变你爱人

无论我再错多几次你也不灰心
斗胆的跟你比怎比都不算相衬
一位很讨欢心一位肮脏粗心
今天竟将奢想成为可能

三生有幸我似是初生
谢谢你永不放低这个人
一起相拥共同浮沉
比钞票更见吸引
千般风光比不上你一吻

用我的一生
当小小一盏灯令到你安枕
贪玩的终会觉悟无须找寻新的人
用我的一生
天天坐你附近令到你安心
天主很宠爱我吧
明天清晨牵手观看日出
感一感恩

其实我过去都很怕怕接触婚姻
身边知己结婚不安得彷似监禁
花心终於真心差不多想逼婚
可不可将奢想成为可能

三生有幸我似是初生
为令你幸福我都可勇敢
一起相拥共同浮沉
比钞票更见吸引
千般风光比不上你一吻

用我的一生
当小小一盏灯令到你安枕
贪玩的终会觉悟无须找寻新的人
用我的一生
天天坐你附近令到你安心
天主很宠爱我吧
如此的人竟得到你着紧

用我的一生
当小小一盏灯令到你安枕
贪玩的终会觉悟无须找寻新的人
用我的一生
天天坐你附近令到你安心
天主很宠爱我吧
明天清晨牵手观看日出
感一感恩

[[ cheers ]] |11:00 PM|

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6 months since. and indeed so many things can happen in 6 months. im glad i left him, totally this time. i moved on, far from him and we're no longer in contact.

some days back in early march, when we quarrelled big time. thats the day when senses really knocked me hard in my head. that you dont deserve my love at all. 'if you were to ask if i still loved you, the answer is no. the feeling is dead' i think i'll remember this sentence from you forever. as a reminder for myself and definitely not how you tried to hurt me with it. i didnt grieve over this break up, im not sad although i did miss you at times (at that time but not now anymore) since you dont appreciate me at all, why should i stay? why make my life so hard?

there's a guy who's always there for me. a guy who's always willing to listen to my woes and cheer me up each time you made me sad. a guy who came all the way from tampines just to see that im okay. each time you hurled abusive words at me, thinking im shit and nothing but this guy here, who thinks im as precious as a gem. this guy whom i hurt so deeply becos of a boy like you.

i hurt him by going back to you. i hurt him by making all his efforts to make me happy go wasted. i broke his heart totally, leaving him all by himself, shunning him in order to make you happy. but you're never happy. and im never happy going back to you either, cos i betrayed my very self, betrayed my character making the wrong step, wrong step of going back to you. you'll only see my lies and blinded to the reason why i came back to you. i forgo a guy with everything for a boy with nothing. the boy is you! how is it possible that a guy who only knew me for a few months know me inside out? more than you, who knew me for 2 and a half years do.

thousands of apologies can never make up for what i've done to him. i felt so sorry and sad yet he, despite being the actual hurt one, smiled and consoled me. saying he knew i didnt mean to make such mistake. then he clubs and drinks to keep his mind away from thinking and his brother told me he's like a lifeless soul at home since. days goes by and he started to avoid my calls. this cold treatment is almost unbearable! he ever said he'll be my guardian angel but this guardian angel now is ignoring me. i almost lost him for good. i only realised what i've lost and learnt to appreciate him and all he'd done for me. his cold treatment didnt last for long and we're back in contact again.

some days back in mid march, he knew about the breakup. and told me he wants me back again. but he's too afraid of history repeating itself therefore no actions done. he didnt come by as often as last time, all the last times now seem so far, so hard. i thought that all arent coming back to me again and i almost gave up. i felt us drifting and he had his reasons for doing so. i cant blame him either, cos all are created by my very own hands. i can only wait cos he says time will prove everything. so i waited, i want him to see that im very sure of my decision now and i want him to trust me once again.

it took me so much to set everything right again. now my life is back on track. this wonderful guy who made my life so perfect and i want to spend the rest of my life with him. happily.. this wonderful guy, my perfect love, my oscar tsang.

3 jun-6 jun 10. once again, our genting-ipoh roadtrip with few of our friends and i found all the memories we had last year. 12 sept 09 the night when i knew him in power house and a daring me, who went ipoh with him just one month later without 2nd thoughts on 23-26 oct 09.

[[ cheers ]] |10:00 PM|

Monday, June 21, 2010

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当一个人在生活中没了目标与推动力, 他会觉得就算死了也无所谓. 但是一旦有了目标与推动力, 自然会觉得时间总是不够, 变得很怕死. 以前的我就像个游魂, 成事不足, 败事有余. 只会把时间浪费在无谓的事情上. 可是现在的我, 很怕死. 因为我有了事业的目标, 也有了你在我身旁支持着, 你就是我的推动力.

[[ cheers ]] |12:55 AM|