[[ life, less ]]

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

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ten over days of hell, i've thought things thru. i dont blame him for the fact that i feel so cheated yet it still kind of irks me at the thought of being compared with a whore. she's understanding and has a nice body? thats crazy and bullshit. which whore doesnt acts understanding enough to earn more bucks? which whore doesnt acts like she's an angel?

i will leave all decision to him, i dont know if i should still wait or move on? everyone's asking me to move on thats for sure but either way, i wouldnt want to regret the second time. pace around, remain at the starting point and wait for the race to end? his msn nick- 'she's getting over it n starting a new life. i should get over it too.' who is he referring to? i hope my guess isnt wrong this time. i can only say 'your photos, your toothbrush, your towel- is always here.' i hope he's referring to me and i hope that he'll be able to see my nick.

i've ever thought, what if we get together again? will things be the same? will he be able to stop contacting that whore again? he'd done it once, like a whore and anytime he can do this to me the second time. sometimes i feel like he's just making use of me. to fetch him and to collect the tanks, contact me when he needs to place a bet or to seek my advice regarding something he's unsure of. i know i should stop being his puppet if i really think that he's making use of me. i've told von that i no longer care about him, i've told komathi that i wont want him back if he cant give me any assurance and i just realize i lied. all along i've said all these becos im avoiding deeper feelings and becos of the fustration at the thought of being compared with a whore. deep down, i still think of him and deep down, my heart still aches when i talk bout him. Edmund ever told me, that i still love him cos i still talk bout him and my expression changes at the thought of him. i always say im fine as usual though.

what does he want actually? the both of us at the same time? thats impossible and f*cking crazy. he's always hot and cold, i dont know what he's thinking bout and no one's able to tell me the answer.

[[ cheers ]] |1:00 AM|