[[ life, less ]]

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

______________________________

when im alone, i start to think things through. how is it possible for you to think that you're not in the wrong and obviously you think that its alright for you to treat me like that last time, last year.. how can i forget the way you treated me like shit? you're never in the wrong. i held on for a year, it wasnt easy for me. all the tears i've shed, till the day i told myself you are no longer worth my tears. when im hurt and sad, i cried, in front of so many people still, made myself look like a fool, a crybaby and all you think is im being nonsensical.

for the first time when we broke off, just few days later i saw you meeting up with her. yes, just friends but how would i feel? you rejected walking to the bus stop with me saying you've got something on. so thats what holding you back. and i stood there like a stupid fool again, while you guys were happily chatting away. you only see what she's willing to do for you and yes, you're touched. you thought of giving her the chance. you turned a blind eye to me, always saying things that hurt me, doing things that hurt me.

you ever asked what i had done for you, you see none of what i've done and sacrificed and since you're unable to see it then its no point for me to say any further. i just dont understand.. im so unappreciated yet i cant let go. guys went after me knowing that im attached, not one but three or four thus we ended up having so much misunderstanding among ourselves. so what if guys go after me? you're my one and only and im being wholehearted to you, i've did nothing to betray you but you just dont see the whole point. that all the mental torture and silence i get from you- is so unbearable.

you chose to ignore me, you went missing in action, i tried to contact you from night to day, you chose not to return my calls and yet you can reply my messages. my thoughts ran wild, im worried for you yet to hear that you're actually out drinking with your friends. i cried over fustration then you blame me for probing so much. what did i get from you? all i get is blames and coldness.

dont girls wish that their guys will be sweet and warm? yes, you're sweet and warm but not to me. you're saying i miss yous to her and she's saying i miss yous and i love yous to you. this wound, is etched onto my heart so deeply.. i've been thinking, is this the leon i used to know? who is this guy, my boyfriend only in name. she'd replaced me totally, you're saying i miss yous to her and no longer to me. all i do is wait in silence, smile and forget about everything when you wished me good night once in a blue moon. just a good night that i've been waiting for so long which sent me high up in the sky. how foolish can i get? while every night im waiting for your messages, you're actually happily on the phone with her. while we're working at different branches, you guys were actually seeing each other daily. colleagues whom i treated as friends kept me in the dark. you ever had this feeling like the sky is crumbling? now, i shut myself up on almost everyone. who can i trust anymore? although we're always together but together in silence. you're so cheerful when it comes to everyone else but when there's just you and me, everything gone still, cold and quiet. how would i feel? just tell me if you wish to end everything. my heart, all these bits and pieces like a broken mirror.. can it be mended ever again?

just as this guy came along, he filled up all my loneliness. i might sound desperate but how would one feel when someone out there who is just a friend is actually doing a better job than her own boyfriend? arent i sad? if our love is so strong, would anyone be able to come in between us? firstly is her, then him. now you're blaming me for everything. make me sound like a total bitch. im not trying to push all the blame to you. i knew it always take two hands to clap.

the first break off makes me cant think straight. i bought stuffs which i dont use, shirts that i cant fit in, ended up giving all away. bought a mont blanc gift for a guy who used to like me. im not myself. im devasted, but do you know? no.. and when you came to know bout it, you blame me again. said im rubbish.. knowing that you'll be unhappy yet i chose to tell you the truth. cant i just say someone else's name? you ever said, let this year be a new beginning. so i decided not to hide anything from you anymore and that's why i told you the truth. indeed, truth always hurts.

in between all the break offs and patch backs, finally im the one who chose to give up and ended everything. you answered so steadily, then i told myself this is the truth im seeing. i should take it well since you're actually taking it so well. your always cant be bothered look- how would i know that you're upset and was waiting for me still? since thats the case, i told him i will give him the chance. we got together but in between as my heart waver, my uncertaintity hurt him. i thought i can let you go but no. then i decide to try out once again, thought things will be over and well. but when you came back, my heart turned back to you once again then i realised that all along, by saying i dont love you and i've already let you go, im actually lying to myself.

now, our new beginning. thought things will be better but turn by turn, we're bringing up the past. our arguements were heated, its never ending. as both of us cant forget the betrayals, you blame me for all and who is able to understand?

[[ cheers ]] |11:00 PM|

Friday, March 27, 2009

______________________________

i've let this blog die down, since so much had happened. just too tired, too much for me to think and say. well, life still goes on and im pretty sure this is the final result. i'll be with you hoping everything goes smoothly. someone ever told me to learn making decisions and not regret. now, you evolve around my life and i should have expected to miss out other things in my life. but its just that i didnt know i'd missed out so much. im actually quite saddened over it, probably jealous that im not included? i wished to be part of the picture too and enjoy among everyone's presence. anyway its a good thing to see my friends enjoying themselves. i did see all the comments on facebook but i didnt ask. i didnt know anything about it and thats why.. partly, working on shifts work is this sacrificing and i did say im damn broke. i cant go anywhere either eh.

[[ cheers ]] |10:15 PM|