[[ life, less ]]

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

______________________________

today, i feel so down and restless and i dont know why. not in the mood to do anything, refuse to do anything. after school, i've got nowhere to go, nothing in my mind and home doesnt seem to be my choice either. its just 1pm! in the end, i went home still and i think i slept more than enough yesterday but im still tired. supposed to watch some shows but i fell asleep till evening.

now, time flies too quickly to me. in a blink of an eye its night time again. whats wrong with me? i want to do nothing and im wasting my time totally. its what i wanted eh but i dont feel happy deep inside. not even a bit of shiokness. like everything around me has gone dead, i dont feel anything. plus the same old bad dream is taking place inside my mind now, and im afraid i'll go into it again when i sleep later. its eating up my brain, its suffocating.

i missed him. badly. since sunday. maybe a lil too much that i felt breathless and maybe this is what makes me restless. too bad we stay too far apart, i cant seem to get enough of him. days ago i had a dream, that he proposed to me. and how i wish this dream would continue. i want a life with him, and never ever had such a thought to be with a particular someone so strong before. 他就像是我生命里的终点, 我的最终站, 我的投靠港. how is life going to be without him? he makes me forget what is sad and hurt. he healed all my past wounds and its been a while since i last felt how these two words are. i hope i'll never need to feel them again.

time is too short, feels like i will die tomorrow. and what if i really die tomorrow? i want to tell him i really love him alot. and till now, i'd never said i love you neither did i hear him say that too. "baby, do you know that my love for you has surpassed far more than what i feel for leon last time? and i dont want to live without you."

[[ cheers ]] |9:45 PM|

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

______________________________

三生有幸

曾害怕跌到谷底里会永不翻身
曾被当作笑话取笑你却很关心
当天很天真只想找开心
这种小丑怎能变你爱人

无论我再错多几次你也不灰心
斗胆的跟你比怎比都不算相衬
一位很讨欢心一位肮脏粗心
今天竟将奢想成为可能

三生有幸我似是初生
谢谢你永不放低这个人
一起相拥共同浮沉
比钞票更见吸引
千般风光比不上你一吻

用我的一生
当小小一盏灯令到你安枕
贪玩的终会觉悟无须找寻新的人
用我的一生
天天坐你附近令到你安心
天主很宠爱我吧
明天清晨牵手观看日出
感一感恩

其实我过去都很怕怕接触婚姻
身边知己结婚不安得彷似监禁
花心终於真心差不多想逼婚
可不可将奢想成为可能

三生有幸我似是初生
为令你幸福我都可勇敢
一起相拥共同浮沉
比钞票更见吸引
千般风光比不上你一吻

用我的一生
当小小一盏灯令到你安枕
贪玩的终会觉悟无须找寻新的人
用我的一生
天天坐你附近令到你安心
天主很宠爱我吧
如此的人竟得到你着紧

用我的一生
当小小一盏灯令到你安枕
贪玩的终会觉悟无须找寻新的人
用我的一生
天天坐你附近令到你安心
天主很宠爱我吧
明天清晨牵手观看日出
感一感恩

[[ cheers ]] |11:00 PM|

______________________________

6 months since. and indeed so many things can happen in 6 months. im glad i left him, totally this time. i moved on, far from him and we're no longer in contact.

some days back in early march, when we quarrelled big time. thats the day when senses really knocked me hard in my head. that you dont deserve my love at all. 'if you were to ask if i still loved you, the answer is no. the feeling is dead' i think i'll remember this sentence from you forever. as a reminder for myself and definitely not how you tried to hurt me with it. i didnt grieve over this break up, im not sad although i did miss you at times (at that time but not now anymore) since you dont appreciate me at all, why should i stay? why make my life so hard?

there's a guy who's always there for me. a guy who's always willing to listen to my woes and cheer me up each time you made me sad. a guy who came all the way from tampines just to see that im okay. each time you hurled abusive words at me, thinking im shit and nothing but this guy here, who thinks im as precious as a gem. this guy whom i hurt so deeply becos of a boy like you.

i hurt him by going back to you. i hurt him by making all his efforts to make me happy go wasted. i broke his heart totally, leaving him all by himself, shunning him in order to make you happy. but you're never happy. and im never happy going back to you either, cos i betrayed my very self, betrayed my character making the wrong step, wrong step of going back to you. you'll only see my lies and blinded to the reason why i came back to you. i forgo a guy with everything for a boy with nothing. the boy is you! how is it possible that a guy who only knew me for a few months know me inside out? more than you, who knew me for 2 and a half years do.

thousands of apologies can never make up for what i've done to him. i felt so sorry and sad yet he, despite being the actual hurt one, smiled and consoled me. saying he knew i didnt mean to make such mistake. then he clubs and drinks to keep his mind away from thinking and his brother told me he's like a lifeless soul at home since. days goes by and he started to avoid my calls. this cold treatment is almost unbearable! he ever said he'll be my guardian angel but this guardian angel now is ignoring me. i almost lost him for good. i only realised what i've lost and learnt to appreciate him and all he'd done for me. his cold treatment didnt last for long and we're back in contact again.

some days back in mid march, he knew about the breakup. and told me he wants me back again. but he's too afraid of history repeating itself therefore no actions done. he didnt come by as often as last time, all the last times now seem so far, so hard. i thought that all arent coming back to me again and i almost gave up. i felt us drifting and he had his reasons for doing so. i cant blame him either, cos all are created by my very own hands. i can only wait cos he says time will prove everything. so i waited, i want him to see that im very sure of my decision now and i want him to trust me once again.

it took me so much to set everything right again. now my life is back on track. this wonderful guy who made my life so perfect and i want to spend the rest of my life with him. happily.. this wonderful guy, my perfect love, my oscar tsang.

3 jun-6 jun 10. once again, our genting-ipoh roadtrip with few of our friends and i found all the memories we had last year. 12 sept 09 the night when i knew him in power house and a daring me, who went ipoh with him just one month later without 2nd thoughts on 23-26 oct 09.

[[ cheers ]] |10:00 PM|